Before, during and after.

I’ve been getting back into the habit of not falling out of habits.. And by that I mean for the past month I’ve sucked at keeping up with things I used to do.. Not that change is bad, Just that this type of stuff bugs me out too much to not do it.. And most of the time it’s not just habitual.. It’s necessary.

I usually do similar things every day, it’s called a “Routine” and most people hate routine.. Most people go out of their way to avoid routine.. But i thrive on routine baby.. I thrive..  And without routine I go a little batty (I.E: I don’t like it)   I used to get dressed during the daytime, i used to go outside, i used to read, i used to do a lot of things I don’t usually do anymore.. I used to eat lunch, but that got screwed up last month.. and on the road to unscrewing parts of my life, I have learned a lot… I want to read books again, i want to game again (I’m actually doing that but I mean I want to play Dragon Age again.)  I want to get dressed in the day time instead of just walking around with my pajamas on .. I want to go through livejournal posts on A Day In My Life.. I want to watch youtube videos (There was never ACTUALLY a time when I consistantly watched youtube videos..)  It’s just.. I get into the habit of doing this or that  and then all at once, I forget I ever did this.. or that, and i stop doing it.

but the truth is.. I really miss it.

Untitled blog about anxiety and realizations.

before i wasn’t really able to pinpoint a logical origin to most of my panic and anxiety moments.

 

but as of late i’ve been more able and willing (sexy) to make a logical assesment of where this anxiety comes from, now obviously sometimes thats not the case and i don’t know where it comes from or what it means.. But sometimes it’s REALLY easy to figure out.. and figure out  where anxiety is coming from (I;E what i’m thinking, what happened that day that could have made me  anxious, i also have an anxiety list for when i’m really wound up and need to write out all my thoughts to figure out where it could be coming from, things people have said that could have made me anxious and of course, not eating enough.. my diet has sucked recently, so that contributes to a lot of it)  Sometimes i am able to just realize I am anxious and try to continue on as if the anxiety doesn’t bother me.. sometimes it does.. sometimes i try to ignore it by reblogging “calming” things and stuff.. but sometimes that doesn’t work..

i’m going to actually try and read more self help books/articles, i have a ton bookmarked but i never actually read them cause i have commitment issues and I’m a big procrastination person and i just have the “do it later” attitude..  I think the reason why my anxiety and OCD don’t seem to get a whole lot better than they are, my issues.. none of that is going to get better if i don’t put in the effort and time to make those things better, i have read articles, done meditation, yoga, i’ve gone to forums, i’ve talked to other people, i’ve read parts of things that could help, bla bla bla.. The problem is i only did these things when I was REALLY anxious, and when the anxiety got better, I didn’t think i needed to keep up with it.

But the thing is, I do need to get in the habit of keeping with these things, not every day, not all the time, not to overwhelm myself (and this goes for not only therapy related things, but everything else too. projects, people, chatting, watching stuff, ocd things, time keeping, schedules, routines.. etcetc).

Yeah, thats whats been on my mind.

The things we all do.

Since I have slight obsessive compulsive disorder. It’s always been a thing with me to have the same things happen at the same times every day, I didn’t only live by my schedule/routine.. I thrived  on it, If one little thing changed i’d be up in arms.. We’d have to have family time at the same time, one hour earlier (especially in the summer) or one hour later.. Honestly just messed me up.. It made me antsy..  If i took a shower one time in the day, I had to take it again the next day at the same time..   I know, it sounds weird but I understand why I did it.. Now as most mortal beings, routines change.. I used to take naps at three in the afternoon a few years ago.. Now that just seems awkward to me (Mostly cause i wake up at noon)… I used to go to bed a lot earlier but i always would make sure to wake up in the afternoon because I have never been a morning person.. I used to actually hate it so much,  I had an unfortunate problem a while ago (By a while ago, I mean in 2009) where I would “forget” to eat.. I’d get too wrapped up in what I was doing which was apparently more important than eating.. (obviously) that by the time i realized how hungry I was, I was too far gone.. My stomach was dying and I couldn’t eat without gagging..  My best friend became little broth cubes.. I could sip them with crackers when this happened (It became an actual unconcious habit..) What i didn’t realize at this moment in time is that this was actually anxiety rearing it’s ugly head… It happened a lot without me even realizing what it was.

I used to have the shakes late at night, I used to do a lot of things late at night (Like spend time on MSN with my then boyfriend Lee. What a loser.)  Anyway, enough of that talk.. We’re not going to discuss the process of how I used to blow my nose, That hasn’t actually changed much.. I just.. blow (thats what she said) .. Where was i?  Oh right…  Anyway, eventually I grew out of that little anxiety habit but I still love broth cubes (Warm in the winter and tasty! )… So anyway because of that incident (Shouldn’t i say Incidents? Cause it happened more than once.. Whatever) I had problems waking up in the morning with panic attacks.. It was pretty bad but eventually it got better (as things often do!)  

But back to routines.. I used to not want to do certain things because I felt like I wouldn’t have enough time afterwards to do anything else I wanted to do (Example, watching shows or reading or playing games) But i gamed a lot because i played Champions all of last year (And dragon age) I used to game on my dads computer but then I got a better  computer and my brother got a better computer and I used to play games all the time last year in the evening time..  In march I used to spend my afternoons upstairs meditating.. In the summer I would  spend my time at my friends house … and these days I have a habit of going outside for fresh air most days (Except the too cold days.)  I realize i won’t be able to go outside every day when it’s extremely cold so i’ve been trying to do other things, Changing my routine.. Exciting huh?  No it’s not… Shut up Michelle.

I have started gaming again, With Nancy Drew PC games, with Dragon Age, and other games on my brothers computer.. I have also started watching some of the new fall programming on hulu/netflix..  And I’ve started editing videos again which is something I used to love to do but didn’t do for a while.. One thing I really need to do is start reading again, The last time i really read was in august and that was the day I had my major panic attack that led me into a depression that had me laying on the couch everyday, Barely eating, barely moving, barely alive.. It was bad..  After that i realized I needed to be happier, healthier and I needed to get a handle on my anxiety.. And a lot of that stuff worked, I’m a happier person today than I was in august.. Thank the gods for that..  I’m glad that things worked out with the girl I was in a fight with in august.. I’m so glad shes still in my life because I love her, shes one of my best friends and shes like a sister to me..   Anyway enough mushy stuff…

One thing I know I need to do is incorporate yoga and meditation back into my  day like I used to back in the good ole days of march (march was actually really cold),  I watch shows, I write, I play games, I blog, I vlog.. But I don’t do what I used to do that made me want to not do these things.. I don’t try to do everything at once anymore,  I had so much overwhelming feelings when I would try to do things.. I would feel pressured (Even if it was something i wanted to do) So i just didn’t do it at all because I was scared about it, It differed from my normal routine and I was always afraid to break that because it would piss my OCD off..  Well, you know what OCD? Suck my giant cock.. I don’t care what you think..

Another thing I need to start doing (besides reading) is more therapy stuff and more studying.. I want to get back into looking for online classes..  I’ve been trying to be more on top of things, I usually let things pile up until it’s insane and seemingly unmanagable… But I’m trying to get better with all of that..  I’m trying to juggle things I want to do with all the things I don’t think I have time to do, I need to find a place for everything but still leave room for non scheduled time.. I don’t really have a schedule, I guess I just do what I feel like doing.

 And with my music, with my friends and with my photography.. With everything,  I’m doing a little better at things I used to hate doing.. And things I used to be afraid to do.

I could try to relate to you.

When i make a mistake,  I tend to make a big one and then not realize it was a mistake until later on… Well let me tell you a story, I fucked up and i fucked up because I’m a jealous, selfish insecure person who doesn’t know how to work on my problems.. Even if i try..  I don’t even really know how to get the words out.. let me try to explain this better..

I got mad at my best friend because .. I don’t know, I guess i felt lonely or something and felt like everyone was just abandoning me or deserting me.. Which may be true when it comes to some people.. But this friend of mine, He’s not like those people at all and I guess i’m not used to that… It’s just that when things have been wrong so much, it’s hard for me to realize when something is right.. And i treated him like crap, i did.. I kept getting mad at him for things he couldn’t control, I was jealous, i was angry, I was affronted that he had anything to do besides text me all god damn day, and if he didn’t text back in five seconds.. I’d get mad.. I know, it’s stupid and I’m a clingy bitch but I’m really trying to be better,  (Logic would dictate that the reason Bethany did what she  did is because I can very well be a clingy bitch,  But in reality, she did it because she’s a bitch..)  Anyway, aside from that.. I’d tell him i can’t talk to him anymore, tell him how difficult it is to be having these feelings for him,  Telling him to stop being who he is because it’s too hard for me to not want to just jump him. (Wait, what? ) 

Because honestly, he does flirt and when he used to do that before i realized that I liked him, back in the day.. It bothered me.. It bothered me for a lot of reasons, one of which was because he always used to make me nervous (Actually, he still does), He did.. And his flirting made me feel uncomfortable.. That never changed after i realized I had feelings for him.. I hated that he did it because it made me unable to resist the feelings I have.. I hated that he did it because I had feelings for him and he didn’t have the same kind of feelings for me and it felt like I was .. It felt like false hope to me… I know he wasn’t trying to be a jerk, he wasn’t trying to do any of that.. But it still hurt.

I have these feelings for him I can’t let go of, feelings I don’t actually want to let go.. And it’s weird for me because he’s .. he’s one of the only friends that I’ve had that hasn’t tried to hurt me like the other people have.. He’s the only one who didn’t go out of his way to be a passive aggressive asshole and do something he knew would hurt me,  I was the passive aggressive asshole.. And i said the wrong thing, I know i’ve argued with him before.. I’ve gotten mad at him before for shit thats not even his fault or not even possibly able to blame on anyone or anything..  I’ve gotten mad for the stupidest reasons but nothing compares to what I did last night.. I’ve been in a foul mood, I’ve been emotional and stuff because I just can’t stop thinking that she has him and it’s not fair… But you know, the world isn’t always fair.. So i need to get over it.. Anyway, emotional!  Yeah,  Well.. I let my anger and emotions at like everything (Not just him and that situation) roll into a ball and I let it out by saying rude, cruel and downright low-blow things.  Things i knew were too far when I said them, Yeah i knew it was wrong when i was texting it.. I knew it but i didn’t stop myself from it.. Because in all honesty..

I wanted to make him mad, It always pisses me off when people don’t get mad when I make a mistake,  And theres only really two people that did that.. It took a LOT to piss bethany off and so thats why I pushed her buttons so many times.. But for different reasons than I tried to piss of my best friend.. I tried to make him mad because if he was mad at me he might stop talking to me for a while and it’s a lot easier for him to not talk to me than it is for me to not talk to him, I wanted him to be mad at me so that I wouldn’t feel guilty if i didn’t talk to him and it’s always been.. I don’t  wanna talk to him but I do, but i don’t because it’s hard  for me and every single time i talk to him I feel more and more for him and it sucks because I can’t do anything about it.. Because he’s got the girl with the crazy hair and I’m just sitting on the sidelines…  I wanted to make him mad at me, because I was mad at the entire situation.. I was mad at him, I was mad at people who weren’t him.. So i passive aggressively said the worst thing I could have said.  It makes me upset that it takes SO much for  him to get mad.. I mean he seems to forgive the stupidest shit i’ve done, He says it doesn’t bother him and thats not normal (At least not for me, when all my other friends would ignore me, hate me, tell me i’m a worthless whore.. I guess i’m not used to people being nice to me very much..)  He would forgive me, even when I didn’t deserve it.

And now it’s two thirty in the afternoon and I can’t forgive myself for what I said, I’m sorry I said it.. I really am and I want to talk to him.. I actually texted him but I don’t expect him to answer me,  And i don’t know if thats because he’s busy.. or if he’s actually upset with me.. And this makes me worry because how far will I go to actually piss him off so much he won’t talk to me anymore,  And why is it so god damn hard to stop feeling these things for him? I like him.. so much.. so god damn much.. I want him in my life, but it’s so difficult so i keep playing this game of “I can’t talk to you”, “I don’t  want to stop talking to you” “I’m going to be a bitch so i have a reason to not talk to you” “I’m going to make you mad so you don’t wanna talk to me”

And really, all of this because It’s easier for me to not talk to him because of these feelings? Really..

It’s not actually easier. so this was all for nothing.

I got hit with a ton of bricks in september, metaphorically speaking of course.

Sometimes for no reason, I smile and then I realize that I’m actually thinking about something he’s said to me in the past, or something he did.. or things we’ve talked about..  Let me go back a little bit and explain what I’m talking about…

In september.. early september to be exact.. I was minding my own business watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy with my family like we usually do and the episode  was the one where Izzie was confused because she realized she had feelings for her best friend George and how she realized this was because she was always being so mean to George’s girlfriend/wife Callie.. It hit her like a ton of bricks…   After the show I went upstairs to enjoy a hot shower and then I thought about the episode.. I thought about how that was similar but not really similar to a situation, My friend was in a relationship and I didn’t really the girl he was with.. But i chalked all that up to me just not liking her.. I didn’t see what was right in front of my face at the time… But then, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

After said thought-train.

Me: Nah, thats not the same thing.. The difference is I  don’t have feelings for my friend.
Ton of bricks: Uh, then why do you hate the girl he’s with so much?
Me: I don’t know, I just don’t like her very much.
Ton of bricks: Yeah, you don’t like his girlfriend.. You’re excited to be talking to him again*
Me: Well of course, i have a right to not like people.. and obviously I love to be talking to him again, he’s my friend.
Ton of bricks: Why did you block him anyway?
Me: Oh because I was pissed about something to do with his girlfriend…. oh fuck.
Ton of bricks: Yeah.. you like him.
Me: I like him..

I didn’t admit this to myself for a while, I forgot about it and lived my life entirely likingmyfriend free until it plauged my every thought not having anyone to talk to about it, I wrote some poetry about my feelings, about the intense randomness that it happened .. About a lot of things..  I let these thoughts and this pain consume me, It was very frustrating and intense.. But then i finally talked to my dad about it.. I had been giving myself panic attacks about the way I was feeling and reacting about this situation.. of all the people I could have liked on this planet,  It just had to be the one that was right in front of me the entire time that I never thought I liked before..  Back in the day I ignored him and avoided him a lot.. It wasn’t because I didn’t like him as a person.. It was because he made me nervous and uncomfortable a lot of the time and I was too shy to speak when he was in skype calls with the rest of the group..  I didn’t put two and two together at the time, But my friend did… I was sitting in her house and I was on the phone with this guy.. It’s been a long time since that day but I can bet the conversation went a little bit like

Me: Yeah, i’m cool
Him: Yeah, you are.
Me: I’m cooler than anyone
Him: But I’m cool too
Me: Yeah, i’m going to go be coo
Him: Yeah me too.

In retrospect, it might be an exaggeration but thats not very far off from how we really speak to each other in text or skype…  Anyway, When i got off the phone my friend (lets call her Kat.) looked at me, It wasn’t a normal look.. it was one of those “Hmm, you like your friend you just got off the phone with” looks.. And she raised her eyebrows when I claimed he was just my friend and I didn’t like him that way at all.   Yes of  course Michelle, you don’t like him at all… I say to myself while writing this, Because you avoided everything to do with him out of nervousness..  Thats not a crush at all, Whatever.  I was dense.

After a ton of intense emotional problems. I finally told him, I kept having problems with how I felt and i kept making up excuses for why I had to stop talking to him, I kept breaking down and kept getting jealous and kept doing a lot of things but I finally stopped and realized that he is my best friend, He understands me and he won’t leave me.. I don’t need to get scared or jealous, I don’t need to be insecure, It’s been over two months since the ton of bricks hit me in the head,  And i can honestly say that I don’t think i would have ever had it any other way.   I adore my best friend, and i’m completely okay that now… After all that time, all the crying, all the panic attacks, all the arguing with him, all the getting mad, jealousy.. After everything, I’m proud to say that he is still in my life and I don’t think he would have left me standing in the dark anyway.

So at four fifty six in the morning, I smile yet again about something he’s said or a little thing I remember about what makes him so great.

In which i forgot about you.

I haven’t posted on here since july, I kind of slack a lot at that and it’s because of tumblr.. I have a tumblr and I do sometimes post personal things on there or otherwise very wordy fantastical writing peices that tear your soul out (unlikely) but I wanted to write more on here because the things I write get a little overshadowed by all the things I reblog that I ~connect with on a primal level (and by that I mean, funny cat pictures and quotes I feel relate to my situations.. Any given situation, actually)

Let me be honest, it’s been a ton of months since I last posted and I need to make this as long  and meaningful as I possibly can… Or i could just be honest… I doodle a lot in my notebook that I keep right beside my desk and mostly all that is in my notebook (or, pieces of paper that I have stacked on top of each other) is just little hearts around a guys name or song lyrics of the songs I am listening to at that moment.. Little quirk of mine, I sometimes write what I hear or what I’m thinking or what I’m saying..  I don’t think it’s OCD, I just think I’m a dork..

I’ve gotten to the point where my old friends don’t really care about me any more, I mean they might but they really have a fucked up way of showing it .. I’m speaking about a few specific friends and not the friends that I like.. I’ve met some new people and it’s really been good for me because I’ve realized I can keep friends, Before i was always worried about “meeting new people” because it just seemed like I was replacing my old friends..  But then they replaced me with boyfriends who don’t love them or friends that were using them.. So i decided whats the harm in meeting new people and realizing that I don’t have to be scared of pushing these people away or ending up in similar situations.. Which was what it was.

Nanowrimo this month has been kind of something in the background, My heart hasn’t really been in it as much as it should have been.. I mean i’m still writing but I got so far behind that I just decided it doesn’t matter if i win or lose, I do want to finish this book though.. I want to have one nanowrimo book done, I want to spend all of next month writing and editing and I want to eventually get my book published. I don’t think I’m good enough for that,  But that kind of attitude will never get me anywhere in life.  

I’ve been doing things that clash with the way I used to do things, which really does help me.. help me to say “Fuck off” to my OCD,  I always like things a certain way, schedules, routines and the like.. I can’t do this or that, i have to do this or that.. It was like that for a lot of things, Watching shows on my own time, playing games on either my computer or my brothers computer, skyping, spending time inside of the house instead of outside like I believe I have to..   The past week (And it’s only tuesday, so…) I have learned a lot about who I am in terms of OCD and without OCD.. I’ve done a lot of things I didn’t think i’d be able to do or that I didn’t think i should do, it’s fighting against routine, it’s fighting against what I think i should do and what I actually want to do.. I’m spending time doing the things that I like to do and  want to do instead of just the things that I don’t think i should do because that would be weird if i did that thing since I haven’t done it in a while and don’t have a fresh memory of having done it,  Last weekend I played some LA Noire, Skyrim and DA:Legacy.. In the last month I’ve been watching two shows (and i will probably watch more) On my own time, i’ve also taken up playing Nancy Drew computer games..  The things I “didn’t have time for” before, but in reality it was never about time.. I always had this obsession about the passing of time and if i did this (Ex: watched a show) it would be too late by the time i was done to do “Anything else i wanted to do”.   I can’t really fully  explain it, and that bothers me a little bit because I like to be able to explain things, to rationalize, to be logical about things (even anxiety and OCD)  and a lot of the time I will constantly repeat my previous thoughts and points and opinions.. I reiterate a lot of things,  I get obsessive about a lot of things (Like my hair over the years, my style over the years and my personality over the years.)  But i think right now, I’m just going to leave it at that.

 

 

The Things We Won’t Forget.

Memories are a weird thing,  You remember seemingly unimportant things from seven years ago but you don’t remember what you had for breakfast the previous day,  I don’t remember either of those two things.. One.. because seven years ago I was too busy to remember anything (Being a kid and all) And two.. I don’t eat breakfast,  Yes yes.. I know.. breakfast is the most important meal of the day,  But i don’t get up early enough for that and I’m not going to start now.

Anyway, memories are weird.. you go through old photographs and you don’t exactly miss it,  You just kind of feel a sense of nostalgia even if you don’t want those times back, You look back on all these memories and you see how far you’ve come and it’s amazing, You’ve changed so much you barely even recognize the person you used to be.. This all sounds really cliche,  But i’m not trying to be cliche.. I’m trying to be real.  People are always changing, people grow up into more mature and understanding individuals.. I’m proud to say I’m not the same kind of person I was when i was younger.. I was an anti social selfish naive overemotional brat.. And i’ve grown up a lot.   There are people in my life who don’t like the way i’ve changed,  But they didn’t see me.. They weren’t anywhere  when i was going through the things that made me grow up.  I’m not a different person, I’m silly, i’m random, i’m awkward and i’m still a nerd.. I don’t know whats so wrong with who I am today.  I’m a better person for everything i’ve gone through…

I have a photo album on my facebook, Actually i have more than one but.. in this case I am talking about two different ones.. I have one called “The Memories We Will Never Forget” Which is for recent photos since when I made it (The tail end of june) and i have another called “The people i know” Which is for pictures of me and people i know, family..friends.. It can be photos from last year or photos from last month..   But the thing is.. That i’m seriously considering uploading some of the photos of me and these people i know to the photos of memories I won’t forget,  Regardless of who is in the photo with me… I feel like thats confusing though.. But it’s not confusing to me..  I know in my heart and in my head why I am doing these things the way I am doing them.. And i don’t need anyone else to understand that.

June.

This month has been long,  Pretty much the longest month this year so far in terms of how many days felt like they were dragging on and on and that there was possibly no end in sight.. I learned a lot this month though, and I scarcely want to be cliche so I won’t say that I’ve grown or that I’ve made new friends and lost old ones..  I’m just going to say that this month taught me a lot and brought me closer to people i already knew.. I’m a more educated person,   And i am enjoying being a graduate of high school… Enjoying spending time with my family, enjoying new shows and hanging out with friends, Enjoying complaining about how hot it is.. Enjoying creating and learning and doing new things,  Enjoying the idea that I won’t always be a slacker, Enjoying my new found commitment to finish a project I start.. Enjoying photography and enjoying life.. Sometimes i’m not enjoying any of these things.. sometimes things get bad,  And they have gotten bad..  But i got through it and I’ll always be thankful and grateful for the lessons I’ve been taught this month… Even if it wasn’t always easy..  June was a long month,  And i can say with 93% certainty that I don’t think i would have had it any other way…

 

The moments.

There are some moments in life that you can’t explain,  And thats why i’m so interested in photography.. because it can capture a smile, a laugh.. or a single moment in time and it tells a story.. You can tell that story in words or you can let the photo do the talking for you,  I take so many photos.. so many of them because I am afraid if i don’t take these photos.. Nothing will ever be remembered the way it should be.. Am i altering peoples memories of these events because of the ways i take my photos? Maybe..  But at least we have a piece of time to remember these little moments by in the long run..  Even if after so much time.. The story was lost.

I used to take my friends and family for granted.

My family is huge on watching movies and shows together.  They nearly do it every day or every weekend, It’s fun.. They all get together and just have a good two or so hours of doing something, watching something together.. But i always thought i was doing something so damn important and i hardly ever joined them unless it was something I wanted to watch, I was selfish and I was taking my family for granted.. Now it’s different.. I’ve changed my attitude and it’s not just me acting like that because they might die someday or it’s not me pretending to care just because I felt guilty for a while there, It’s me changing the way i act because I was being unfair towards my family and friends.. I took my friends for granted and I know it.. I did it to Bethany as well and I regret that a lot because i feel like if i suddenly take an interest in her life now she might just be suspicious and maybe assume I’m only  doing it because I feel guilty, or i’m pretending, or we might die someday or we might lose contact and I don’t want it hanging over my head.

The truth is? I never gave movie night a chance.. not really..  And i care about my friends.. i care about the things in their lives, Just sometimes i have a hard time showing it.. or i just forget so easily about the fact that I should talk to them.. Or maybe my paranoia kicks in and I think “This person doesn’t like me anyway so why would i even bother”

Well, a phonecall goes both ways.. friendship depends on both parties.. not just one person trying to communicate all the time..

I could say i never tried hard enough, but thats just guilt and blame..  What i can do.. What i should have done to start with.. Was be a friend.

No more taking the people i love for granted, I promise myself that.