I got hit with a ton of bricks in september, metaphorically speaking of course.

Sometimes for no reason, I smile and then I realize that I’m actually thinking about something he’s said to me in the past, or something he did.. or things we’ve talked about..  Let me go back a little bit and explain what I’m talking about…

In september.. early september to be exact.. I was minding my own business watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy with my family like we usually do and the episode  was the one where Izzie was confused because she realized she had feelings for her best friend George and how she realized this was because she was always being so mean to George’s girlfriend/wife Callie.. It hit her like a ton of bricks…   After the show I went upstairs to enjoy a hot shower and then I thought about the episode.. I thought about how that was similar but not really similar to a situation, My friend was in a relationship and I didn’t really the girl he was with.. But i chalked all that up to me just not liking her.. I didn’t see what was right in front of my face at the time… But then, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

After said thought-train.

Me: Nah, thats not the same thing.. The difference is I  don’t have feelings for my friend.
Ton of bricks: Uh, then why do you hate the girl he’s with so much?
Me: I don’t know, I just don’t like her very much.
Ton of bricks: Yeah, you don’t like his girlfriend.. You’re excited to be talking to him again*
Me: Well of course, i have a right to not like people.. and obviously I love to be talking to him again, he’s my friend.
Ton of bricks: Why did you block him anyway?
Me: Oh because I was pissed about something to do with his girlfriend…. oh fuck.
Ton of bricks: Yeah.. you like him.
Me: I like him..

I didn’t admit this to myself for a while, I forgot about it and lived my life entirely likingmyfriend free until it plauged my every thought not having anyone to talk to about it, I wrote some poetry about my feelings, about the intense randomness that it happened .. About a lot of things..  I let these thoughts and this pain consume me, It was very frustrating and intense.. But then i finally talked to my dad about it.. I had been giving myself panic attacks about the way I was feeling and reacting about this situation.. of all the people I could have liked on this planet,  It just had to be the one that was right in front of me the entire time that I never thought I liked before..  Back in the day I ignored him and avoided him a lot.. It wasn’t because I didn’t like him as a person.. It was because he made me nervous and uncomfortable a lot of the time and I was too shy to speak when he was in skype calls with the rest of the group..  I didn’t put two and two together at the time, But my friend did… I was sitting in her house and I was on the phone with this guy.. It’s been a long time since that day but I can bet the conversation went a little bit like

Me: Yeah, i’m cool
Him: Yeah, you are.
Me: I’m cooler than anyone
Him: But I’m cool too
Me: Yeah, i’m going to go be coo
Him: Yeah me too.

In retrospect, it might be an exaggeration but thats not very far off from how we really speak to each other in text or skype…  Anyway, When i got off the phone my friend (lets call her Kat.) looked at me, It wasn’t a normal look.. it was one of those “Hmm, you like your friend you just got off the phone with” looks.. And she raised her eyebrows when I claimed he was just my friend and I didn’t like him that way at all.   Yes of  course Michelle, you don’t like him at all… I say to myself while writing this, Because you avoided everything to do with him out of nervousness..  Thats not a crush at all, Whatever.  I was dense.

After a ton of intense emotional problems. I finally told him, I kept having problems with how I felt and i kept making up excuses for why I had to stop talking to him, I kept breaking down and kept getting jealous and kept doing a lot of things but I finally stopped and realized that he is my best friend, He understands me and he won’t leave me.. I don’t need to get scared or jealous, I don’t need to be insecure, It’s been over two months since the ton of bricks hit me in the head,  And i can honestly say that I don’t think i would have ever had it any other way.   I adore my best friend, and i’m completely okay that now… After all that time, all the crying, all the panic attacks, all the arguing with him, all the getting mad, jealousy.. After everything, I’m proud to say that he is still in my life and I don’t think he would have left me standing in the dark anyway.

So at four fifty six in the morning, I smile yet again about something he’s said or a little thing I remember about what makes him so great.

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