In which i forgot about you.

I haven’t posted on here since july, I kind of slack a lot at that and it’s because of tumblr.. I have a tumblr and I do sometimes post personal things on there or otherwise very wordy fantastical writing peices that tear your soul out (unlikely) but I wanted to write more on here because the things I write get a little overshadowed by all the things I reblog that I ~connect with on a primal level (and by that I mean, funny cat pictures and quotes I feel relate to my situations.. Any given situation, actually)

Let me be honest, it’s been a ton of months since I last posted and I need to make this as long  and meaningful as I possibly can… Or i could just be honest… I doodle a lot in my notebook that I keep right beside my desk and mostly all that is in my notebook (or, pieces of paper that I have stacked on top of each other) is just little hearts around a guys name or song lyrics of the songs I am listening to at that moment.. Little quirk of mine, I sometimes write what I hear or what I’m thinking or what I’m saying..  I don’t think it’s OCD, I just think I’m a dork..

I’ve gotten to the point where my old friends don’t really care about me any more, I mean they might but they really have a fucked up way of showing it .. I’m speaking about a few specific friends and not the friends that I like.. I’ve met some new people and it’s really been good for me because I’ve realized I can keep friends, Before i was always worried about “meeting new people” because it just seemed like I was replacing my old friends..  But then they replaced me with boyfriends who don’t love them or friends that were using them.. So i decided whats the harm in meeting new people and realizing that I don’t have to be scared of pushing these people away or ending up in similar situations.. Which was what it was.

Nanowrimo this month has been kind of something in the background, My heart hasn’t really been in it as much as it should have been.. I mean i’m still writing but I got so far behind that I just decided it doesn’t matter if i win or lose, I do want to finish this book though.. I want to have one nanowrimo book done, I want to spend all of next month writing and editing and I want to eventually get my book published. I don’t think I’m good enough for that,  But that kind of attitude will never get me anywhere in life.  

I’ve been doing things that clash with the way I used to do things, which really does help me.. help me to say “Fuck off” to my OCD,  I always like things a certain way, schedules, routines and the like.. I can’t do this or that, i have to do this or that.. It was like that for a lot of things, Watching shows on my own time, playing games on either my computer or my brothers computer, skyping, spending time inside of the house instead of outside like I believe I have to..   The past week (And it’s only tuesday, so…) I have learned a lot about who I am in terms of OCD and without OCD.. I’ve done a lot of things I didn’t think i’d be able to do or that I didn’t think i should do, it’s fighting against routine, it’s fighting against what I think i should do and what I actually want to do.. I’m spending time doing the things that I like to do and  want to do instead of just the things that I don’t think i should do because that would be weird if i did that thing since I haven’t done it in a while and don’t have a fresh memory of having done it,  Last weekend I played some LA Noire, Skyrim and DA:Legacy.. In the last month I’ve been watching two shows (and i will probably watch more) On my own time, i’ve also taken up playing Nancy Drew computer games..  The things I “didn’t have time for” before, but in reality it was never about time.. I always had this obsession about the passing of time and if i did this (Ex: watched a show) it would be too late by the time i was done to do “Anything else i wanted to do”.   I can’t really fully  explain it, and that bothers me a little bit because I like to be able to explain things, to rationalize, to be logical about things (even anxiety and OCD)  and a lot of the time I will constantly repeat my previous thoughts and points and opinions.. I reiterate a lot of things,  I get obsessive about a lot of things (Like my hair over the years, my style over the years and my personality over the years.)  But i think right now, I’m just going to leave it at that.

 

 

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