I could try to relate to you.

When i make a mistake,  I tend to make a big one and then not realize it was a mistake until later on… Well let me tell you a story, I fucked up and i fucked up because I’m a jealous, selfish insecure person who doesn’t know how to work on my problems.. Even if i try..  I don’t even really know how to get the words out.. let me try to explain this better..

I got mad at my best friend because .. I don’t know, I guess i felt lonely or something and felt like everyone was just abandoning me or deserting me.. Which may be true when it comes to some people.. But this friend of mine, He’s not like those people at all and I guess i’m not used to that… It’s just that when things have been wrong so much, it’s hard for me to realize when something is right.. And i treated him like crap, i did.. I kept getting mad at him for things he couldn’t control, I was jealous, i was angry, I was affronted that he had anything to do besides text me all god damn day, and if he didn’t text back in five seconds.. I’d get mad.. I know, it’s stupid and I’m a clingy bitch but I’m really trying to be better,  (Logic would dictate that the reason Bethany did what she  did is because I can very well be a clingy bitch,  But in reality, she did it because she’s a bitch..)  Anyway, aside from that.. I’d tell him i can’t talk to him anymore, tell him how difficult it is to be having these feelings for him,  Telling him to stop being who he is because it’s too hard for me to not want to just jump him. (Wait, what? ) 

Because honestly, he does flirt and when he used to do that before i realized that I liked him, back in the day.. It bothered me.. It bothered me for a lot of reasons, one of which was because he always used to make me nervous (Actually, he still does), He did.. And his flirting made me feel uncomfortable.. That never changed after i realized I had feelings for him.. I hated that he did it because it made me unable to resist the feelings I have.. I hated that he did it because I had feelings for him and he didn’t have the same kind of feelings for me and it felt like I was .. It felt like false hope to me… I know he wasn’t trying to be a jerk, he wasn’t trying to do any of that.. But it still hurt.

I have these feelings for him I can’t let go of, feelings I don’t actually want to let go.. And it’s weird for me because he’s .. he’s one of the only friends that I’ve had that hasn’t tried to hurt me like the other people have.. He’s the only one who didn’t go out of his way to be a passive aggressive asshole and do something he knew would hurt me,  I was the passive aggressive asshole.. And i said the wrong thing, I know i’ve argued with him before.. I’ve gotten mad at him before for shit thats not even his fault or not even possibly able to blame on anyone or anything..  I’ve gotten mad for the stupidest reasons but nothing compares to what I did last night.. I’ve been in a foul mood, I’ve been emotional and stuff because I just can’t stop thinking that she has him and it’s not fair… But you know, the world isn’t always fair.. So i need to get over it.. Anyway, emotional!  Yeah,  Well.. I let my anger and emotions at like everything (Not just him and that situation) roll into a ball and I let it out by saying rude, cruel and downright low-blow things.  Things i knew were too far when I said them, Yeah i knew it was wrong when i was texting it.. I knew it but i didn’t stop myself from it.. Because in all honesty..

I wanted to make him mad, It always pisses me off when people don’t get mad when I make a mistake,  And theres only really two people that did that.. It took a LOT to piss bethany off and so thats why I pushed her buttons so many times.. But for different reasons than I tried to piss of my best friend.. I tried to make him mad because if he was mad at me he might stop talking to me for a while and it’s a lot easier for him to not talk to me than it is for me to not talk to him, I wanted him to be mad at me so that I wouldn’t feel guilty if i didn’t talk to him and it’s always been.. I don’t  wanna talk to him but I do, but i don’t because it’s hard  for me and every single time i talk to him I feel more and more for him and it sucks because I can’t do anything about it.. Because he’s got the girl with the crazy hair and I’m just sitting on the sidelines…  I wanted to make him mad at me, because I was mad at the entire situation.. I was mad at him, I was mad at people who weren’t him.. So i passive aggressively said the worst thing I could have said.  It makes me upset that it takes SO much for  him to get mad.. I mean he seems to forgive the stupidest shit i’ve done, He says it doesn’t bother him and thats not normal (At least not for me, when all my other friends would ignore me, hate me, tell me i’m a worthless whore.. I guess i’m not used to people being nice to me very much..)  He would forgive me, even when I didn’t deserve it.

And now it’s two thirty in the afternoon and I can’t forgive myself for what I said, I’m sorry I said it.. I really am and I want to talk to him.. I actually texted him but I don’t expect him to answer me,  And i don’t know if thats because he’s busy.. or if he’s actually upset with me.. And this makes me worry because how far will I go to actually piss him off so much he won’t talk to me anymore,  And why is it so god damn hard to stop feeling these things for him? I like him.. so much.. so god damn much.. I want him in my life, but it’s so difficult so i keep playing this game of “I can’t talk to you”, “I don’t  want to stop talking to you” “I’m going to be a bitch so i have a reason to not talk to you” “I’m going to make you mad so you don’t wanna talk to me”

And really, all of this because It’s easier for me to not talk to him because of these feelings? Really..

It’s not actually easier. so this was all for nothing.