The things we all do.

Since I have slight obsessive compulsive disorder. It’s always been a thing with me to have the same things happen at the same times every day, I didn’t only live by my schedule/routine.. I thrived  on it, If one little thing changed i’d be up in arms.. We’d have to have family time at the same time, one hour earlier (especially in the summer) or one hour later.. Honestly just messed me up.. It made me antsy..  If i took a shower one time in the day, I had to take it again the next day at the same time..   I know, it sounds weird but I understand why I did it.. Now as most mortal beings, routines change.. I used to take naps at three in the afternoon a few years ago.. Now that just seems awkward to me (Mostly cause i wake up at noon)… I used to go to bed a lot earlier but i always would make sure to wake up in the afternoon because I have never been a morning person.. I used to actually hate it so much,  I had an unfortunate problem a while ago (By a while ago, I mean in 2009) where I would “forget” to eat.. I’d get too wrapped up in what I was doing which was apparently more important than eating.. (obviously) that by the time i realized how hungry I was, I was too far gone.. My stomach was dying and I couldn’t eat without gagging..  My best friend became little broth cubes.. I could sip them with crackers when this happened (It became an actual unconcious habit..) What i didn’t realize at this moment in time is that this was actually anxiety rearing it’s ugly head… It happened a lot without me even realizing what it was.

I used to have the shakes late at night, I used to do a lot of things late at night (Like spend time on MSN with my then boyfriend Lee. What a loser.)  Anyway, enough of that talk.. We’re not going to discuss the process of how I used to blow my nose, That hasn’t actually changed much.. I just.. blow (thats what she said) .. Where was i?  Oh right…  Anyway, eventually I grew out of that little anxiety habit but I still love broth cubes (Warm in the winter and tasty! )… So anyway because of that incident (Shouldn’t i say Incidents? Cause it happened more than once.. Whatever) I had problems waking up in the morning with panic attacks.. It was pretty bad but eventually it got better (as things often do!)  

But back to routines.. I used to not want to do certain things because I felt like I wouldn’t have enough time afterwards to do anything else I wanted to do (Example, watching shows or reading or playing games) But i gamed a lot because i played Champions all of last year (And dragon age) I used to game on my dads computer but then I got a better  computer and my brother got a better computer and I used to play games all the time last year in the evening time..  In march I used to spend my afternoons upstairs meditating.. In the summer I would  spend my time at my friends house … and these days I have a habit of going outside for fresh air most days (Except the too cold days.)  I realize i won’t be able to go outside every day when it’s extremely cold so i’ve been trying to do other things, Changing my routine.. Exciting huh?  No it’s not… Shut up Michelle.

I have started gaming again, With Nancy Drew PC games, with Dragon Age, and other games on my brothers computer.. I have also started watching some of the new fall programming on hulu/netflix..  And I’ve started editing videos again which is something I used to love to do but didn’t do for a while.. One thing I really need to do is start reading again, The last time i really read was in august and that was the day I had my major panic attack that led me into a depression that had me laying on the couch everyday, Barely eating, barely moving, barely alive.. It was bad..  After that i realized I needed to be happier, healthier and I needed to get a handle on my anxiety.. And a lot of that stuff worked, I’m a happier person today than I was in august.. Thank the gods for that..  I’m glad that things worked out with the girl I was in a fight with in august.. I’m so glad shes still in my life because I love her, shes one of my best friends and shes like a sister to me..   Anyway enough mushy stuff…

One thing I know I need to do is incorporate yoga and meditation back into my  day like I used to back in the good ole days of march (march was actually really cold),  I watch shows, I write, I play games, I blog, I vlog.. But I don’t do what I used to do that made me want to not do these things.. I don’t try to do everything at once anymore,  I had so much overwhelming feelings when I would try to do things.. I would feel pressured (Even if it was something i wanted to do) So i just didn’t do it at all because I was scared about it, It differed from my normal routine and I was always afraid to break that because it would piss my OCD off..  Well, you know what OCD? Suck my giant cock.. I don’t care what you think..

Another thing I need to start doing (besides reading) is more therapy stuff and more studying.. I want to get back into looking for online classes..  I’ve been trying to be more on top of things, I usually let things pile up until it’s insane and seemingly unmanagable… But I’m trying to get better with all of that..  I’m trying to juggle things I want to do with all the things I don’t think I have time to do, I need to find a place for everything but still leave room for non scheduled time.. I don’t really have a schedule, I guess I just do what I feel like doing.

 And with my music, with my friends and with my photography.. With everything,  I’m doing a little better at things I used to hate doing.. And things I used to be afraid to do.